About Grown-Up Tales

The only sane person in the room. Alfie is Jimmy and Jenny’s small white Cavapoo, distinguished by the single light-brown patch on his left ear. He is also, quietly, the most intelligent character in the entire Grown-Up Tales universe. Alfie understands exactly what is happening. He notices the obvious flaw in Jimmy’s plan. He knows Jenny is making a terrible decision. He recognises the Tax Man before anybody else. He can see the catastrophe coming several pages in advance. Unfortunately, Alfie is a dog and cannot tell anybody. His entire existence is therefore spent desperately communicating through increasingly horrified facial expressions while the humans confidently destroy their lives around him. Strengths: intelligence, judgement, loyalty, common sense. Weaknesses: cannot speak English. Natural habitat: staring directly at the reader as if to say “Are you seeing this?” Greatest tragedy: he’s always right.

The confident chaos agent. Jenny is more socially capable and considerably more streetwise than Jimmy, but unfortunately shares his belief that confidence is a perfectly adequate substitute for planning. She’s ambitious, impulsive, image-conscious and extremely good at convincing herself that everything is going brilliantly—even while the consequences are visibly approaching. Unlike Jimmy, Jenny doesn’t inevitably end up in prison; her stories tend to leave her dealing with the very human consequences of her decisions: relationships, reputation, money, work and dignity. Strengths: confidence, charm, determination, independence. Weaknesses: impulse control, thinking three moves ahead, accepting unwanted advice. Natural habitat: living her best life. Inevitable destination: discovering what her best life actually cost.

The well-meaning disaster. Jimmy is relentlessly optimistic, spectacularly overconfident and blessed with the dangerous ability to understand just enough about something to get himself into serious trouble. Every new job, business or life decision begins with some variation of “How hard can it be?” Jimmy rarely intends to do anything wrong; he simply regards rules, regulations and professional expertise as inconvenient obstacles that surely have an easier workaround. His solutions are usually logical for approximately three seconds. Strengths: enthusiasm, confidence, creativity, resilience. Weaknesses: due diligence, foresight, regulations, listening to Alfie. Natural habitat: immediately before a catastrophe. Inevitable destination: prison.

The villain who actually knows what she’s doing. Lucy Fur is charming, glamorous, ruthlessly intelligent and one of the very few people in the Grown-Up Tales universe whose outrageous plans consistently work exactly as intended. Where Jimmy and Jenny create chaos through overconfidence and terrible judgement, Lucy creates it deliberately: she’s calculating, manipulative, selfish and usually several moves ahead of everyone around her, pursuing whatever she wants with absolutely no concern for who gets hurt along the way. Her schemes can involve money, relationships, business, revenge or simply getting her own way; the important difference is that Lucy doesn’t make mistakes—she makes plans. She’s a genuine recurring villain rather than another victim of her own decisions, and somehow always emerges richer, happier or more powerful while everybody else is left dealing with the wreckage. Even the Tax Man, normally the universe’s unstoppable embodiment of consequences, is visibly uncomfortable around her—Lucy Fur is the only person the Tax Man is afraid of. Strengths: intelligence, manipulation, charm, patience, strategic planning, always having an exit strategy. Weaknesses: empathy, morality, doing anything without an ulterior motive. Natural habitat: exactly where she planned to be. Inevitable destination: getting precisely what she wanted—and leaving everyone else wondering how she got away with it.

The inevitable consequence. Nobody is entirely sure what his real name is. He simply appears whenever somebody in the Grown-Up Tales universe has become far too pleased with their finances. Immaculate trench coat. Fedora. Briefcase. Face perpetually obscured by shadow. He never runs, never raises his voice and never seems remotely surprised by what Jimmy or Jenny have done. He doesn’t need to chase anyone because eventually the paperwork always leads to him. He isn’t evil; he’s simply terrifyingly competent in a universe populated by idiots. Strengths: patience, tax legislation, appearing ominously in doorways. Weaknesses: apparently none. Natural habitat: immediately outside your front door. Catchphrase energy: “Let’s talk about tax.”